I've come to talk to you again, because a leathery paw was softly creeping, on my duck back while I was sleeping....
Yes, Monkeye, you have tried your best to send me down that slope again. You crept up on my me and attempted to take advantage of my weak moment. And for a short time you had me believing in your Monkeye madness. You're a crafty little primate I will give you that. My webbed feet started sliding whilst my my beak clung to the cliff's edge. The stark memory of my last journey down was fresh enough to make me fight.
Fight I did with every ounce of my being. The struggle was both physical and mental. It was hard, so very hard. Of course I wanted to give in at times. To succumb to Monkeye's alluring melody. But I didn't!
The whole experience left me floored though and for several days. My anxiety levels shot through the roof for a while. But relent I did not!
Monkeye, get off my back and give it a rest! I am building strength day by day and the more I speak of you the smaller you become. I realise many people have their own Monkeye. It is good to 'animate' you and speak about you in the third person. I'm not overly impressed that, at times, you have had me listening to 'You raise me up' ffs. Now that is alarming behaviour! But I guess there is some truth in the lyrics...'I am strong when I am on your shoulder' Yep definitely but not the other way round when you, Monsieur Monkeye, are on my shoulder.
This business of sitting with yourself is bloody hard. Just being, no alterations, nothing to numb you or round off the edges. A kind of mindfulness is called for. Allowing thoughts to come and go without judgement. Still hard to quiet this Monkeye brain. In a deathly duck-like silence I sit with myself and wait. Some of thoughts are welcome to take wing, get the F out of my head, never to be seen again. Other thoughts conjure up happy (albeit very random) memories...being a little duck with the world opening up, being in London in the late 90's with a Chemical Brother's soundtrack booming in the background Out of Controlololol Then I am back in my teaching days or studying again. One time and place comes up often. I am 16 years old and it's winter in New Zealand. I can smell the woody, smokey, fresh-wet- leaves-under foot scent. I can almost feel exactly as I felt at that time. The absolute detail of many of the thoughts is a marvel. The mind an amazing resource. But some thoughts are clearly just my Monkeye they seem so irrelevant and immaterial.
I feel like I've been on one of those Buddhist retreats this weekend. Have hardly quacked to anyone, haven't left the house, consumed no alcohol, eaten only foods made from scratch (incl pita bread. falafel, millionaires shortbread). What???? I hear you say. WTF is going on???? More alarming behaviour! I have been wandering the house like a perpetual make-up free selfie. I am sure my friends Scooby Do, the Clod, Lace and Pieface would be proud of me. Don't get used to it I say. I am NOT going all organic Duck. No way Jose. Just for a wee bit then ....I'll be back with a substantial and strong quack! But for now a mindful, Buddhist Duck with a very small Monkeye I shall be!
Kia Kaha
#mindfulness #Buddhistduck #mentalhealth #anxiety
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