I was drifting, crying
I was looking for an island
I was slipping under
I'll pull the devil down with me one way or another
I'm out of my mind, think you can wait?
These lyrics, by the fantastic group The National, basically sum up my life over the last wee while. You may wonder why I would share this kind of thing. I want to support the promotion of mental health awareness. Where to start?
Looking back over my life I realise I have always experienced and endured an element of mental health issues. From minor anxiety to mild depression. Sporadically throughout my life I would find myself standing at the precipice of a black hole. Most of my life I have been able to claw myself away from the hole and wobble back to 'normality' largely unnoticed. I would dust down my feathers, practice my quack until the shake in tone subsided and waddle back to my life as an ordinary thing. I was so scared of slipping into that hole, down into the pit of 'not-quite-right'. If I could haul myself away from the hole I'd be alright, nothing wrong with me, I'm just like everyone else! Phew, what a relief, I am not the black duck of the pond.
Until recently, I came undone! I came royally and magnificently undone. My feathers were falling out leaving me feeling exposed and vulnerable. My eyes glazed over and I started to shake ever so slightly. The incident that triggered this meltdown was a car accident. A very minor car accident. No one was hurt. I was the only car involved. I was on my way to work at the pond when it happened. A bystander helped me change my spare tyre and Bob was my Uncle. Off I quacked to work, bruised, in shock and stunned. Then I did what I have done all my life. I got on with my day, said I had experienced a flat tyre that's all. In fact I laughed, joked and whooped it up a storm. No one knew what had happened and I was determined to get through the day. I did get through the day by the skin of my beak.
Later when I arrived home alone (Big Duck and Duckling were away) the shock hit me and I was promptly sick. Still I had told no one. I went away with a friend the next day and proceeded to try and drink the pain away. I attempted to smoke the pain away. I even tried to take a swim in glacial waters to numb the pain. And guess what? It was still there, sitting like an unwelcome guest at my front door step. Laying in wait for me to return. My attempt at anesthetising myself was so alarming to my friend that my cover was blown! I was found out, duck on a rotisserie, revealed by my behaviour. What happened next?
.
I decided it was time to get off this roller-coaster and seek help. To put an end to trying to numb myself with things that take away the pain. Because they only work temporarily and then the pain returns with a vengeance. I went to the Doctor, told her everything and got myself some help. It wasn't easy. In fact it was (and still remains to be) one of the hardest things I have done. It was like standing in a room featherless with nowhere to shelter and nothing to shield you. Raw, uncovered duck in a dilemma. I got some medication and an appointment with mental health services. My whole family and a large amount of my friends have witnessed my downfall. It's extremely confronting. It is a journey and I'm mostly relieved that my 'secret' is out. It's been a hell of a expedition though and continues to be. But I am a million times better now than I was at the start. It is not a journey I wish to repeat for a long time.
I am the same duck I was before, working and going about my life. I haven't changed but I have sought help that's the only difference. These issues strike many people, including a lot of people that work in mental health themselves. Your doctor, teacher, CEO, housewife/husband, musician, your next door neighbour could all be struggling with issues like this. There is no demographic for mental health problems, they reach across the spectrum of society. Let's start a dialogue about it, 'normalise' it for people. So those suffering in silence can feel confident to get help. It is not a weakness to seek help but rather the oppposite. It is a brave and bold move and we need to encourage people to take small steps toward it.
I will leave you with the song 'Think you can wait' quoted above by the National.
Think you can wait
Kia Kaha!
#anxiety #depression #quackers #duck
Very proud of you J. Thinking of you and apologies for taking so long to read this xxx
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