A duck returns to the pond of its ducklinghood after being lost (presumed Crispy Ducked) for 10 years. What you're about to see next will blow you away!

                                                     



You can probably guess from the title that I am quacking about 'news-catch-lines' for want of a better phrase.  The fact that they are EVERYWHERE at the moment is just incredibly annoying and highly unoriginal.  Like the creation and birth of the bloody selfie.  Enough already!
Just another attempt to lure an innocent reader in hook, bad line and sinker of a catch phrase.  Are we immune to the sameyness of this style of reporting?  Can we not see it is just a device that has become popular as a means of creating drama and cliff-hanger like anticipation as we fumble toward the play/hit button?  Like heroin, offering a taste of nirvana, something extraordinary for a seemingly small price.  Hit after fucking hit til we're hooked and we no longer doubt the version of events being presented to us.

I have a bit of an issue with news FULL STOP.  I believe it is highly manipulative and constructed to within an inch of the original truth.  Playing to the anticipated audience like a fiddle.  Giving them everything they want to confirm their narrow minded highly moral view of the world and their bloody smug part in that world.  I will duck and delve into this in more depth soon.

For a local example, just yesterday I was reading the news online and trying to find out who New Zealand was playing in the semi-final of the cricket.  I KNOW, I know that I should bloody well know who we were playing so shoot me!  How dare I, a Kiwi living in New Zealand, not KNOW!? Well I didn't know so fuck off!!!  Do you think I could find a single line, in a single bloody news article stating who the opposition were?  No siree, not a fucking word anywhere to indicate to a cricket ignoramus like me who the other team were.  Is New Zealand that insular that they imagine everyone is a cricket aficionado and this goes without saying???  Bloody hell, I do despair.  I have nothing, absolutely nothing, against cricket or any sport.  But why does the media (at least the NZ media in this case) assume that we are all sports fans and passionate followers?  I feel like I could be put to trial for not being more sporting savvy. It would probably be, in the eyes of New Zealand, a more heinous crime than that of the accused Lundy killings.   To add to my crimes against team sports I have only just 'found out' that Richie McCaw is in fact captain of the All Blacks not a cricketer like I thought.  At least I recognised his name ffs.
When I was at work on the auspicious day of cricket a client informed me that the score was 29 for 2.  I asked if that was good and the very kind person explained it to me.  He didn't judge or harangue me or attempt to present some condescending diatribe.  To him  I am grateful. I have learned a little bit more about cricket.

But really the issue here is with how news is constructed and what is deemed 'worthy' if you like.  It would seem that the following factors increase the chances of an event being newsworthy:  Being middle class, white and living in a developed country. These considerations all enhance the newsworthiness quite significantly.  I remember, back in 2010, when I was 'friends' with Helen Clark (former NZ Prime Minister, now working for UNDP) on Facebook there was a thread about the first earthquake in Christchurch.  This earthquake was in September 2010 in the middle of the night.  Fortunately no lives were lost.  Prior and post this event there were two other major natural disasters in the world.  One was the earthquake in Haiti where over 100,000 lives were lost.  The other was the floods in Pakistan where 2000 or so lives were lost.  I made a comment on the thread about how the first earthquake in Christchurch (the second devastating one had not occurred at this stage) was eclipsing Haiti and Pakistan in the news and I found this to be bloody shocking.  Clark (herself or her social media mogul I couldn't guarantee?) swooped in on my like a flock of seagulls to a road kill accusing me of being smug.  Au contraire!!! Duck feathers were now well and truly ruffled.   I then explained that I found it sad that news from a developed country where there was no loss of life would overshadow and obscure the horrendous disasters in Haiti and Pakistan where the loss of life and devastation were epic.  Then most of the contributors to the thread understood where I was coming from and agreed.  Phew, thank quack for that!

I think it pays to be mindful of the ways in which the news can be engineered to suit a demographic and manufactured to confirm our preconceived ideas about the world.  Look beyond the catch line to the motivation and angle of the article.  Keep one webbed foot in reality (as best we can know it), let your beak do the hunting and quack it up when it doesn't fit right!  Don't accept mediocrity!


#newsdistortion#newsworthy#biasinnews

Ducket List

Inspired by the relatively recent trend of bucket lists I have taken to (pond)-ering about what would be on my list. So I have decided to indulge in a few of my own.  When I say indulge I mean at least write them down.  Doing them, well that would be fine and dandy now!


                                               

                                         The-in-near-future Ducket List
        

• To be able to take a a leisurely bath ALONE!  No one squished up at the tap end, no sitting on or leaning back into sharp plastic now in the rubbish toys.  What bliss it would be to have this experience.  Put on some noice tunes, glass of vino at the ready, posh scented candles lit and ....relax.  In fact, fuck the music and candles, the only important element is that I am the only one in that body of water!  No ducklings waddling toward the pond eyes alight with the promise of submersion.  Nuh huh!  Lone Duck, long pond.

                                           

• To get in a car and just drive!  No set destination.  No one knowing where you are.   No time frame!  Just me and the car. Me and the road.  Me and freedom. Oh, and of course some good road music is essential. Woohoo, duckstress of my own fate.  Wind blowing through my feathers, ducking and diving through shit holes on the map, quacking along to the power ballads with the mallards, "more than a ducking good feeling', "here I go again on my own"  "Who's gonna drive Duck home" 'Total eclipse of the Duck"  I suspect the reason this scenario is so tempting is because it is not really possible without some minor consequence.  Who would pick up the duckling, take him to school the next day, go to my job etc et bloody ceteraaaaaaaa?  I can't really just throw ducaution to the wind and just drive.  I'm too freaking sensible. I lack the spontaneity and recklessness.  That's why it is such a sweet, illicit fantasy.  I wouldn't even care if I found myself in Levin or even Danniverke for that matter.  Dreams are free!  Click if you dare:

                            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oohFGOmcxuo

                                   There is a theme occurring here methinks!

• To have my bed made by someone other than me.  To add to this rather delicious bucket dream I would love nothing more than to slide into fresh sheets that are crisply cold so I can starfish across them in the grips of a hot flush. Ahh sweet bliss.

• To give less of a shit about what people think of me or my actions.  I have already started on this journey (and it is a ride) so it's a kind of work in progress.  It involves retraining negative thinking patterns and unleashing the inner duck!  To those who judge I would like to give them the webbed finger, turn my beak in the other direction and not give a flying duck.  To cultivate an ability to say 'what me?  Ach it's water off a ducks back!' and truly mean it with every feather of my being.  To fly unbridled through life and skim over the negative parts and loiter with intention in the aspects that are uplifting, inspiring and energising.  To have the composure to change the feathers I need to change, embrace the ones I cannot change and have the discernment to know the ducking difference.

I would love to hear your bucket lists. Both your near and further into the future arse-pirations.  

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/7762427/giant_sand_wayfaring_stranger_fly_me_to_the_moon/

                                'Don't quack like a duck, soar like an eagle'.

#bucketlist

A duck in the hand is worth none on the fence!

A fence is a freestanding structure designed to restrict or prevent movement across a boundary. Fences are generally distinguished from walls by the lightness of their construction and their purpose.

They are not designed to sit on.  So why do so many people sit on the fucking fence? I'm not talking about people who are genuinely neutral about a certain topic.  To those I would say 'sit away as much as you like you neutral, beige folk'. I am sure we are all ambivalent about one thing or another.  For example I don't have a strong opinion on breastfeeding vs bottle.  I have chosen this as an example as it tends to be very topical among parenting groups. I really don't care whether you breast or bottle your baby.  I have never heard of a child in crisis or even a young adult on the psychiatrist's sofa where the report comes back something like this:  'we believe the cause of little Cuntface's banal character is down to being biach fed as an infant'  I do, to be contrary, have a strong opinion over whether it is anyone other than the parents business.  Who cares?  It's bloody boring. But that is another whole minefield right there.  So there you go, I don't care what you do regarding b or b for little b, but I do mind those that judge others for what they do.  On the fence, off again. on, off, on, off!

What  I am really talking about people who have opinions (and often very strong opinions) but they just want to perch on that fucking fence and not commit.  This can be clearly illustrated when they jump down off said fence, spouting opinion, opinion, opinion and then try to sneak back up onto the fence as if they've been there all along! Pale lemon jelly bastards.  Bet your mother b-fed you when you were young.  Hee hee!
I hope the fence you choose to sit on is riddled with barbed wire so that there is a physical manifestation of your fickle, weak antics. I would wish for the experience to elicit a kind of Pavlov's dog response - if you have something to say and you choose to sit on that fence may it be so caustic and hostile that it will prompt your evasive, ambiguous and circumspect arse right back off!  I hope the fence is electric and that you are zapped whilst trying to take the easy road.  As you may well see, I don't think you can be on the fence and off simultaneously.  It is physically impossible.

Again, I must clarify...having an opinion and choosing not to share it is different.  These are people whose opinion you will never know in this instance as they have decided to remain silent.  Subtle, yet not so subtly different from the aforementioned shitters.  I acknowledge that there is a time and a place for opinions.  There are whole raft of reasons people choose to share or not.  I am starting to confuse myself.  I guess I am targeting a very specific and small group of people who let their opinion be known to you and then try to back up the truck to a neutral fence friendly position when the debate starts.  It cannot be comfortable to live in their skin, wanting to take all sides yet have their opinion whilst remaining neutral.  Phew, exfuckinghausting! Yes I realise I am being petty but I guess that is where the term pet hates/peeves comes from?

I will leave you with a reducked song.  It is based on the Leonard Cohen's 'Bird on a Wire'

Duck on a wire

Like a duck on the fence wire
Like a cunt in quagmire
I have tried in my way to flap free
Like a dog with a bone
Like a dictator with some old fashioned moan
I have saved all my opinions for thee
If I, if I have been on the fence
I hope I can recompense
If I have been untrue
I hope you don't end up duck stew...

For those that don't know the original tune (at which I would be truly shocked!) Here is the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwnAg2tZKFk

#sittingonthefence #opinionated #fencesitting